Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
