mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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