I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
