Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.