I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
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Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
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The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.