I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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