I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
