You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
