The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
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