OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
