Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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