Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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