theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
