I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
