Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
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