So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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