I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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