im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
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yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
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Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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