I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
25 Women On How They Let Their Oblivious Partners Know They Want To Bone
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
