Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.