she woke up with a sticky ear
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.