well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Dating After Heartbreak
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised