clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
