If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So apparently I’m into choking now
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