she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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