is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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