I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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