Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
