I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
