A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
