Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bondingš
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I tried to get the guy I like to āspit shakeā on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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