The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
