totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
