Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
