So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
