Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
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