Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
