Who wears a wallet chain?!
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
