Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
