people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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