It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
The feeling are messing with the penis
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
