Moan for me like Helen Keller
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize