I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
