i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
soo... how was my night?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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