Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
