Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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