proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize