You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
