my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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