the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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