i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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