Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i wish my penis had a tongue
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
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