hell yes lets make some ravioli
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I did not marry a roomba.
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