Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
