do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
