omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Are my feet made of real feet?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
