Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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