So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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