im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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