I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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