My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
