I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
