i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
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