You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
only you would photoshop your dick
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
